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Road Food*

There is a saying that the Ironman is not a race but an eating contest. That's because keeping the calories coming in and digesting them successfully is one of the biggest challenges of racing for 9 to 17 hours non-stop. Nutritional mistakes can end your race. Or make it really miserable.

You can eat anything while you're out there, but certain things go down a lot easier. Some people eat only "real" food: pb&j sandwiches, pretzels, pringles, fruit, candy bars. Then there's sports food that I consider "semi-real": PowerBars, Clif Bars, Balance Bars, etc., which are heavily engineered but still contain ingredients that vaguely resemble real food (e.g. chocolate chips, nuts, raisins, and so on). And then there are the foods that do not have any real-life analog at all: gels and drink-mix powders. The ingredient lists on the powders can look like chemical formulations more than anything. (USE IN A WELL-VENTILATED AREA. EYE PROTECTION IS RECOMMENDED. just kidding. heh.)

For my last two Ironman bike rides I have carried Clif bars broken into chunks. My watch beeps every 20 minutes, and I gnaw on a chunk of bar. Adding in some Gatorade and bananas from aid stations, this has worked out to about 300 calories an hour and near-constant chewing during the bike leg.

After my last half-ironman I realized that my jaw was getting tired from the non-stop mastication (and my taste buds were really effin' sick of that Clif flavor), so I'm trying a new approach: Carbo-Pro.

From the manufacturer's site:

CARBO-PRO is a nonsweet (neutral flavor) glucose polymer that consists of D-glucose units linked primarly by alpha-1-4 bonds, having a Dextrose Equivalency of less than 16 (high molecular weight).

Now, as much as I enjoy good food, it may seem plain wrong that I am choosing to eat D-glucose polymer units instead of something made with fruit and nuts. But I took the plunge and bought a three-pound vat of the white powder. When the giant plastic tub arrived in the mail, I was instantly reminded of the South Park Weight Gain 4000 episode. (BEEFCAKE!)

It is a white free flowing powder prepared by enzymatic hydrolysis (patented process) of grains (corn/barley/rice) with safe and suitable enzymes. It is safe for direct human consumption.

I think more of the foods we eat need to be explicitly labeled "safe for direct human consumption." Because I've often wondered about Diet Mountain Dew.

I've started mixing a carefully measured amount of powder (it's about a cup of powder, seriously scary) with Gatorade to make a 24-ounce bike bottle that contains 800 gooey calories. I take a slug every 20 minutes and chase it with water. It is sort of like drinking fruit-punch-flavored pancake syrup, but it is way easier than trying to chew and swallow a Clif chunk while breathing heavily through my nose.

I'll also eat bananas from the aid stations, and I'll probably pack a pb&j and some pretzels in the bag I pick up mid-way through the bike for a nice real-food boost. But that thick Gatorade will be my liquid rocket fuel.

My goal in all this is NEVER TO EAT ANOTHER CLIF BAR AGAIN. No hard feelings, Clif, I still love you and buy your other products, so feel free to sponsor me. I'm just sick of picking Clif Crunch™ out of my teeth.

*Apologies to Jane and Michael Stern.

July 31, 2006 3:15 PM